More Connection, Less Correction

How can parents help their troubled teen? Michael J. Merchant, the President of Anasazi Foundation says “The more connection, the less correction,” and that “Our influence as parents rests on how often we have those connections with our children.” He then shares a remarkable story of a mother who wouldn’t give up on her son. Watch the video to learn more.

Transcript of The More Connection, Less Correction:

Our influence as parents rests on how often we have those connections with our children—those windows of time when we’re just right with one another, when my child knows that I care about them deeply and I know they care about me, right? Just those windows of time. If those are happening regularly, then I have a lot of influence in a child’s life. When those are happening few and far between I have very little influence to help a child.

And so, as parents, we want to keep the frequency of that connection up. In fact, I like to use the term: look, “the more connection, the less correction.” It’s just, it’s a universal law, right? The more I connect with someone, the less I have to correct.

And so, for parents, we always say: “Look, when you leave the most important thing you need to do is stay connected with your child.”

Now, we had a young man who came to Anasazi and—a great experience. He was a Sophomore in high school. And went home and as he got close to his Senior year, got back into drugs with some of his friends—had a rough group of friends. And mom had five other boys at home and, and mom and dad came to the conclusion they couldn’t have him at home if he was making those kinds of choices. He would come home drunk and stoned and they were worried about the influence he was having on the boys.

So they basically said, “Look, you can’t live here and have that lifestyle. If you choose that lifestyle, you can’t live in the house, right? You can’t be here in the house.” So the boy said, “Look, I’m leaving. I’m leaving. If you’re not going to let me use drugs, I’m—I’m leaving.” Mom said, “You can leave on one condition, and that is: that you come home often. That we get a chance to see you often. We want you here. We want you to know that every Sunday there’s going to be a warm, cooked meal for you. We want you home often.”

Well, he left Payson, Arizona and came down to Phoenix, here which is about 87 miles away. And, and didn’t come home. And so, Mom found him. Mom found him here in Phoenix and she made arrangements to meet with him every Friday. And so, she said: “I can’t come down all the time, but I’ll be here every Friday. And if you’re not coming home, I’m going to come find you, every Friday. And, cause I’m not giving up on you. I’m not giving up on you.”

And so, for every Friday, for about thirteen months, mom would drive the 87 miles from Payson, all the way down to Phoenix and go and find him. And, and she would meet him at a particular place. And she would not bring him money, but she would bring a warm blanket, or she’d bring a new shirt, or—but she’d brought food, she brought food to him. And he would meet her. And she would make sure that he knew that she loved him. That it was ringing in his ears that, that she loved him. And that the family loved him and after thirteen months he finally came home.

And I just believe that for parents we can’t give up. We can’t give up. We gotta keep reaching out. We gotta keep those connections up. And, and keep doing whatever we can to increase the frequency of our connection with our children. How often we connect with them really determines our how much influence we have in their lives—our ability to turn things around, our ability to save actually a child from making a choice that would be really detrimental to their life or the family—really rests on that frequency, how often we connect with them.